The push pull of a prison calling

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I was asked to write something for The Vital Force, the journal of the T'ai Chi Chih community about why I go inside.  Other blog posts from earlier years have sought to answer this same question. There is a piece of the mystery happening here that seems reluctant to be pinned down with words.  Is this difficulty, an indicator the authenticity of this call?  Perhaps, nevertheless it seems to serve me and others to keep trying.  Here is the latest attempt:

Often I am asked “Why do you go inside? Why is this so important to you?” I have answered many ways over the 10 years I have been answering this call. Silly or serious answers seem to scratch only the surface. A few weeks ago a student inside, of considerable integrity, asked, and the answer that stumbled out felt closer than I have come yet to putting words around this call and response, this “pull” and “push” that drives and sustains me as I offer 4-7 programs 2-3 days a week.

The men (or probably better said, the men’s souls) “pulled” me in. Jim Hecker (original inmate teacher) had been visualizing a class while practicing for a year before it was manifested. It didn’t take more than a simple invitation, and that “yes” was out of my mouth before my mind had a chance to ask any questions. Still, 10 years later, they still “pull” me inside.

When there is a deep sincere hunger, the Holy responds with food. I have been “pushed” by spiritual forces that have visited me in my dreams and humbled me with the honor of carrying healing love inside. My other life activities have played supporting roles to enable this call, nothing seems to get in the way.

Once inside the sanctuary of the chapels, the men’s sincerity pulls the teachings out of me; the moves, the words, the stillness always are fresh and vital. Once inside the patterns of movement and stillness, the love of the universe pushes through. I feel so very much in the middle of these two powerful currents of Qi: all that is seeking an opening to bring harmony inside this place defined by its lack of harmony; and, all the hunger for the harmony, from those who seek refuge from the label of PRISONER stamped upon their lives. Through grace I have a roll in the expressions of these powerful Qi flows. “May I stay grounded, sincere, and open to ever expanding flows,” is my prayer as I enter. I leave, spent and grateful, in awe of the magnitude of blessings I have received and witnessed while offering myself.

Here (inside the prison chapel teaching) I am who I am meant to be. Here, I open inviting the flowering of the love inside me that yearns to be expressed, shared, and released. Here, I am the gift god means us all to be to one another. Here, I have no doubts of the goodness inherent within each of us. Here, I am guided to see beyond betrayal, domination, posturing, and many other manifestations of fear humans inflict upon each other. Here, inside all the contrasts, my coming makes possible an expression of harmony, an alignment with the energy of love, an internal cultivation of peace, inside me, inside the men, inside the prison. Here, I have found my place in a community of souls eager to seek together and be called forth by the harmony.

Quaker author Parker J. Palmer wrote "Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you." It is a good thing to be acting out of the divine blueprint for my life. Yet many times over the years my sense of self importance, my pride in “going inside” and of being their spiritual teacher, the ugly savior energy and other such egoic efforts to capture the spirit’s flag have caused me much consternation, sent me on sabbaticals and into therapy. Over and over I have been returned, humbled, seeing a little more clearly, allowing my life to do what it intends to do with me: push and pull forth harmony, until the foundation of all life, becomes my life.