In our car we all know to stop when we see red, and we know to brake when red brake lights come up ahead. But, do we know when to put the brakes on trust for someone?

I’m writing a series of articles on avoiding and preventing sexual assault. In the last article I introduced the fact that sexual assault is all too common. In Colorado 1 in 4 women and 1 in 17 men are assaulted in their lifetime (see http://www.movingtoendsexualassault.org/statistics.html).  It happens way too much and it’s worth spending energy on working together to reduce this evil in our society.

In this article I introduce another fact – most sexual assaults against women are by someone they know (according to a study reported on the above web-site -- 73%).  And usually the perpetrator makes effort to build trust with the individual before the attack. The stereotype of someone jumping out of the bushes to assault a woman is statistically very uncommon. This also makes it much more difficult to think about fighting off an assailant. I read about a case where a woman was attacked on the street by multiple assailants and fought them off – but later when her husband assaulted her she froze – she simply was not prepared to fight off someone she trusted. Attacks like this are also less likely to be reported, but they are NOT any less of an assault as an abrupt physical attack on the street. Frankly they are often more difficult for survivors to heal from, because one of the things attacked is our sense of trust.

So I come back to my original question – what are the warning signs that someone may be a perpetrator of sexual assault and that we need to be cautious around him? Our local Rape Crisis shelter in Boulder County -- MESA (Moving to End Sexual Assault) has a nice outline about some signs to look for called the “Five I’s”: Ignoring, Intoxication, Invasion, Instincts and Isolation. An assailant Ignores your comments, suggestions, and desires, and doesn’t take no for an answer. They are often Intoxicated or push to intoxicate the victim. They Invade your space, physically, emotionally or visually. They get too close physically, or are “too touchy”; they talk about things that make you uncomfortable (sexual jokes or just issues that are too personal), or stare at you in an uncomfortable way. Your own Instincts kick in and interacting with them just feels wrong (Master Dennis calls this your “spidey sense” that sense like Spiderman that something is just wrong). Finally, they Isolate you from others and commit the assault.

The more these red flags come up – the more serious we need to take the situation and make avoiding that individual and avoiding the last step – being isolated with them. Once an assailant has lured a victim to an isolated place, they may attack violently and abruptly, or may continue to pressure more covertly. Without witnesses you are extremely vulnerable. In one case a woman was lured to the basement “to sign the divorce papers” and then violently attacked, she bravely defended herself with some swift front-kicks to the groin (note to us as martial arts a single kick was NOT enough with the adrenal response the assailant had difficulty feeling pain), scratching to the face and eventually broke free. Quite often the victim is blamed for allowing these things to happen, and becomes double victimized by feeling responsible. But, the truth is, the assailant is the criminal and missing the flags does NOT make you responsible. In one case a college coed was convinced to let a male student into their dorm room after relentless badgering. She relented and was attacked. The creep then blamed her even though he was the one that abused her trust, and lied to her about his intentions.

Likewise, when you read about the allegations against the former youth councilor at my church you see the same tactics, he built trust, invaded their space, was “too touchy”, talked about sexual issues often, ignored the victims discomfort, and finally isolated the victim where the assaults took place. As far as I know, the allegations don’t include the use of intoxication, but he allegedly did “intoxicate” his young victims with viewing pornography.

Catching these red flags early can help prevent assaults. A woman felt uncomfortable with allowing a man into her house where she would be isolated with him, and instead bolted her door, at his insistence. She later found out he was a sexual predator, and was glad she made that decision. A woman’s instincts kicked in on the street as someone invading her space by leering at her. She found a policeman and after they found him, he turned out to be a perpetrator of sexual assault.

Seeing red and stopping. That’s what we do in our car. Catching the red flags to trust can help prevent us from becoming victims. Unfortunately none of us are going to catch all of the flags beforehand and need to remember that it’s not our fault if someone attacks us. My entire church is honestly suffering as victims of sexual assault as we had our trust violated as well. The good thing is that as survivors we can find strength in banding together, and solace from each other and learning about stories of other survivors. Let’s continue to learn about the strength and bravery of survivors of sexual assault, and use MESA and other community resources to support us. By learning and teaching prevention methods we can also be a source of light on a dark subject.